Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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