Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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