on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The air was thick with penises
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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