I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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