she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
3pm strippers are depressing
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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