Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
this is an emotional support booty call
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
