I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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