the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
