I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My breath smells like gin and sadness
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize