I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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