dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
