Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
