I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
