I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
