Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize