got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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