i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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