So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
