I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
