I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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