My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
