I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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