I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
