there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
