I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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