my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
