Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
