It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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