I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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