Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
