I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
