i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
