oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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