i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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