Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
