those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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