I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
