maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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