people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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