By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
