apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he thought i was a dude.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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