Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
