You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
