You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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