If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
