There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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