that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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