just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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