ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
