My liver just broke up with me...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
