We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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