the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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