I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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