he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
