Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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