you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
