yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
