I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
