based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
