JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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