His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize