The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
