At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
